Getting Chronically Creative
Bringing pleasure to chronic pain in the bedroom
I once had a client living with chronic illness, tell me that they hadn’t discussed with their health care professional how their pelvic pain was impacting their sex life.
While this initially shocked me, I realised that I had never thought to speak with my own healthcare team about how my chronic illness impacts my intimacy.
Many healthcare practitioners feel uncomfortable when it comes to discussing sexual health. I remember sitting in an appointment with my GP and asking about having my first cervical screening test, only for them to become very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable they couldn’t look me in the eye when they said the word ‘vagina’. Add to this, that pain during sex is rarely something that doctors take seriously and it’s easy to see why we find it hard to chat to our doctors about how we can have the best sex of our lives.
As someone living with rheumatoid arthritis (RA), there have been times when pain, inflammation and fatigue have definitely taken their toll in the bedroom. RA is a chronic autoimmune disease impacting the joints. Where osteoarthritis (the kind we associate with our grandparents) is a wearing of the joints with time, RA occurs when the immune system attacks the tissues of the body - in particular the joints but it can occur in most areas of the body. This means I live with underlying pain on pretty much a daily basis, which can definitely take its toll in the bedroom.
When our experiences with the medical system look like dismissal, medical gaslighting and discomfort discussing something as normal and natural as sexuality, is it any wonder that we don’t want to talk to our doctors about how our illnesses impact our sex lives?
So, if I can’t ask my doctor… what CAN I do?
Short answer, experiment!
When it comes to getting experimental, I find the best place to start is to leave goals and expectations at the door. If your focus is on chasing orgasm, then it can become very easy to lose sight of making the entire sexual experience pleasurable and connected. In fact, I often tell clients that they need to take orgasm off the table entirely! When you’re not allowed to cum, you need to find other ways to bring the fun.
Next, try something new. And I mean REALLY try it. Take your time, focus on your body and how it’s feeling.
You could:
Use supports to help you find the position of most comfort where you don’t have to exert yourself or experience pain. This could be furniture, pillows, rolled up towels, just about anything you think of! Once you’re comfy, you can start to explore what feels pleasurable without the distraction of sore hips from holding your legs up or sore wrists from placing your weight through your hands.
Experiment with intensity of touch. On high pain days, you may find that firmer touch feels particularly good because it distracts from your discomfort. Or you may find the light tough feels gentle and soothing. Remember this could change from day to day so be kind to yourself if what worked last week doesn’t feel as good today.
Invest in a new toy box. There are so many toys out there that provide a variety of different sensations. We often have a bit of a stigma that toy sex isn’t ‘real sex’. But if your hands hurt, why not grab a Fleshlight and make your partner feel good without bringing yourself pain? Do you get jaw pain trying to eat out your girlfriend? There’s now some great toy’s designed to simulate the sensation of oral sex and leaves you free to be planting sensual kisses elsewhere while it goes to work.
Ask a pro. While you may not feel comfortable chatting with your GP about how you can get down and dirty, there are professionals out there who are trained to provide a safe space and useful advice. Depending on your needs you could book an appointment with a sex coach (like me!), sex and relationship therapist, sexological bodyworker or even a full service sex worker.
Ultimately the key to having incredible sex is going to be letting go of what popular culture has taught us that sex is ‘supposed’ to look like and just having fun with it!