Rethinking Foreplay
Blurring the line between foreplay and sex for more pleasure
If I asked you to describe foreplay, what would you say?
Blowjobs, fingering, mutual masturbation. Possibly anything that’s not penetration, right?
Sex education in your year 9 health class was probably where you learned a lot about the mechanics or penetrative, heterosexual sex and possibly (if you didn’t attend Catholic school like me) the importance of safer sex practices to reduce the risk of contracting STIs or becoming pregnant.
In popular media you’ve likely seen plenty of sex scenes where there’s some kissing, heavy petting and within a minute the heterosexual couple is having multi-orgasmic penetrative sex. Or, if there is some form of foreplay it’s used as a quick warm-up for the ‘real’ sex…. penetration.
With all this focus on penetration you may be surprised to hear that studies show, on average, almost 70% of people with vulvas (though most studies will use the categories of men and women) are unable to orgasm through penetration alone. Though in some studies this statistic has been as high as 90%.
Add to this that one study found that while 64% of women had orgasmed during their last sexual encounter, that number was 91% for men. This statistic is commonly referred to as the ‘Orgasm Gap’. While there is no one specific reason why the Orgasm Gap exists, it is in no small part due to the fact that there is a culturally engrained norm that penetration = sex and anything else is ‘just foreplay’ to get to the real thing.
This strict line that gets drawn in the sand between sex and foreplay means many of us are not able to reach our full pleasure potential. It is also stigmatising for those who cannot or do not participate in heteronormative penetrative sex, such as those living with a disability or members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Breaking down the rigid divide between sex and foreplay is a great first step to improving your sex life, no matter your gender or sexuality. And the more you do, the more you’ll realise, it’s all just sex.
If you’re interested to learn more about the Orgasm Gap and how you can close it, I highly recommend Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz.
But in the meantime, here are a few tips you can try to start deconstructing the culturally constructed wall between sex and foreplay.
Think about how you can take foreplay out of the bedroom. The most frequently forgotten sexual organ is the brain! Find ways to get your partner excited mentally as a form of foreplay. For some people this could be dirty texts but for others this could be taking household tasks of their to do list to give them more time to relax and feel ready for sex.
Start to think of non-sexual touch as an opportunity for foreplay. I don’t mean think of ways you can cop a feel during a hug. Start to reframe the idea of foreplay to include closeness and touch that is intimate but not sexual and do more of it. This could be hugs, hand holding, snuggling up on the couch. Getting close to your partner physically without expectation of sex can be a surprisingly powerful turn-on.
Take penetration off the table. Have sex with your partner that involves absolutely no intercourse. Treat this as an opportunity to really take your time. Go slow. Ask lots of questions about how your partner is feeling and take the time to really see if you can read the cues of their body. Don’t rush straight to the genitals. Instead take the time to really explore your partner’s pleasure potential by being attentive to their whole body. This is also a great opportunity to incorporate some toys in the bedroom too.
Couples often find that by breaking down the barrier between foreplay and penetration they see an increase in intimacy and become excited about engaging in more frequent sex. So have a go at some of the above techniques and let me know how you went!
If you’d like to get in touch about coaching sessions to help you become your most pleasure-filled self, book a connection call today.